muddle

I’m waiting to get into the bathroom for my shower. It’s the school holidays so my routine is going to be in a muddle for the next 2 weeks. It’s a lovely sunny day just as it was yesterday although I missed out on the sun yesterday, not getting up until lunchtime, then wasting my time alone while the boys went off to the beach I spent an hour on pc then put myself back to bed for a few hours nursing my headache.

Today I have woken headache free, such a relief! It is always a wonder to me when I wake up feeling good after so many days waking with a headache. If only they were all caused by too much to drink at least then I would know how to get rid of them….stop drinking. But it’s very rare for me to have a hangover. I have been feeling a bit down lately. A combination of things really. I am still a bit down over the GB thing (from now on I shall refer to him as Jasper). I have felt much stronger since I made the decision to finish with him, I don’t feel that empty longing that I felt before, just an emptiness in general. There are still times when I want to text him and say ………

Jasper I still want you, I didn’t mean it that I wouldn’t see you anymore.

But I have resisted the temptation. N who will now be known as Billy still won’t leave me alone although the contact from him is getting less. He has this thing about me returning his ice bucket. As it was a gift it is technically mine. But I can’t be bothered to argue and it is taking up room. Part of me wants to take it there asap to bring an end to the demands. But then I refuse to jump just because he says so. I did enough of that last year. He knew (because I told him) that he was my puppet master and I was his puppet on a string dancing to his tune. I don’t want to see him anymore but I still find it hard to break that tie. I don’t do cord cutting very well. He has been a big part of my life for 15 months even during the weeks/months when he was with The Bitch or later with the Other One. I always knew he would come back to me and he always did. But now I wish he hadn’t. They say that you should be careful what you wish for….you might get it. I wished for him and now can’t get rid of him. He keeps saying he is ready to settle down and he wants me to be with him. I tell him that I am not ready to settle down yet.

But is that true? I don’t think it is. I am at a stage now where I don’t want to keep meeting new men, certainly no more married men. I want a man I can call mine. Someone, who will treat me with respect, who will accept and deserve, the love that I have inside me, ready to give to the right man.

I have not been feeling very sexy in recent weeks, maybe that has something to do with a lack of sex recently. In months the only decent sex I have had was with Jasper (once), GP now known as Gordon (no idea why I chose that name) and with PL 2x (still working on name for him) maybe I shall stick with passionate as that is what the P stands for. I am meeting Gordon again later today so that is something to look forward to. Last time was in his office, today is going to be alfresco, next time he’s going to book a hotel room. I was woken this morning by a text from Gordon making sure I’m still ok to see him today, we have also chatted on msn for a while as I was checking my messages. I must have put on weight in the last month too as when I went to put on the skirt I had decided on for Saturday evening I couldn’t do it up with just two hands so had to abandon that idea. I know I had been feeling fat all week but hadn’t anticipated putting on that much that quick especially as I have not been eating much. I’m not sure when I last had a proper meal other than the one on Thursday night at the presidents dinner. Maybe that is why the recent headaches. I really should start eating properly again instead of snacking. I tend to cook meals for the boys but they are always just enough for them and I make do with a snack…..I know it’s not good for me but it’s cheaper. Oh and those of you who bought me a drink on Saturday thanx I really didn’t expect you too. I had enough for my own drinks but wouldn’t have been able to run to a round.

I am rambling now and have not even touched on my purpose for this post. I wanted to try to figure out what I want and why I am feeling so empty at the moment. I don’t seem to be the same bubbly person I have been for the last 8 or 9 months. I feel deflated, lost.
Maybe it is because I have had my fill of seeing lots of different men in my search for a few regular fuck buddies. I ended up with 3 fuck buddies who started off well but now we don’t find the time to get together for a whole variety of reasons. The three of them all being married doesn’t help the situation. I have reached a stage now where I want more than just great sex. I don’t know if I am ready for a relationship yet or if I just want a fuck buddy who I can socialise with not just meet for sex. I want someone who is single so that we can sometimes spend the night together not just go our separate ways after a couple of hours. As I have already finished with Jasper he no longer figures in the problem. But I don’t know what to do about either Foxy(SL) or Mr Passionate. Foxy is my partner in fun so unless I give that up I shall still see him then but we have not managed to get time alone together at all this year. I really miss that. Mr Passionate I have seen twice this year and it is always but always great. A few weeks ago he said he had given up meeting women, but he said he would still see me. But as he comes here it isn’t easy while the kids are off school and he is now looking for another job so that could be another problem. I really don’t want to say goodbye to either of them but as I have not seen them much recently maybe I should.
I know I have several single admirers out there. Some I have met and others I have not yet. I know that I have made some really great friends amongst you. I just don’t know where to go from here. I’m rambling again so I am going to stop now especially as I have to get ready for my drive to meet Gordon in 2 hours time. Make the most of this sunshine