I've done it again !!

I have been dreaming about SL, it isn't the first time. we haven't spoken for a few days so I don't know what prompted me to dream about him today. However since I started to write this post he has come online and we have had a brief chat.

I am a little disturbed by my dream. I didnt mention it to him, although last time I did because it was quite sexy that time.

In my dream I was in his house, I was giving him a blow job, he was in his bed it was night time but he was alone in his bed until I arrived. Then I had left and we were going to meet somewhere as he was going to come away with me so we could be together. but his two teenage sons had follwed me as I walked along various roads and across a park. I tried to give them the slip but they wouldnt lose me. I didnt get to the end of the dream so I'm not sure how it would have ended as I was woken up by the alarm.

I am disturbed by this as I would never go to his home especially while his family are there.
But more than that as much as I love him to bits it is not an emotional love. I love him sexually and as a very close friend and confidant. But I wouldnt want to be in a close full time relationship with him.
I dont know the situation between him and his wife I have never asked, thats his business but I figure that he would do the same things he does now outside his marriage no matter who he is with. I dont want that from someone I am committed to.

I know you shouldnt take dreams at face value but it has still disturbed me.

Keeping a straight face

On saturday evening N came over to stay at my place for the first time since last July. I wasn't feeling too great and warned him that I might not be good company. But he didn't care just wanted to be here with me. We had been planning to go clubbing for the first time, we could never go to the local chicago Rock cafe before because SF was always there. Now, I don't care if he is. But we just pottered at home before deciding to go out for a late drink. It was already 11pm by the time we went out. We went to the new pub in town (converted church) this closed at 12 midnight but that was ok we had a bottle of Cava in the fridge and some cans of guiness. when we reached the car we sat chatting for a few minutes looking at the people still waiting to get inside chicago's. there were a few police talking to the clubbers.

N started a conversation that I hadn't expected. He was talking about how strange some people are and what they wear. He has a lot of porn sites on his pc including ones that show leather and pvc gear that you can buy. This always strikes me as odd that he looks at this but doesnt like the idea of it. Anyway he went on to say that some people are so strange that they even have group sex. 3 somes and some even have 4 or more. He would never ask me to do that as he knows it would not be something that I would like. Anyway not to worry because its not something he could do himself as he likes to give his attention to the woman he is with.

How I didn't laugh out loud I don't know. He would be mortified if he knew what I have been upto.

Now you probably think I am awful for going behind his back like this but I know that as much as I am enjoying his company for the moment our relationship will be short lived. Our track record as a couple has proved that. If I was in a long term serious relationship I would give up my other lovers.

The tinge of jealousy I felt when I saw SL with KP the other week told me that I couldn't do this with someone I love.